I Woke up from an airport themed dream. I took a nap after a friend of mine left. I was in an airport. I was early but I did not check in. I saw my parents and brother behind glass but I could not get to them. We were on the same flight and they knew but because of our relationship they did not come find me. Seconds later it was an hour to take off. I looked and did not find them. I went to check in but the line was long and dense. I look up and see that there are 5 minutes till the boarding door closed. I missed the flight.
What it made me realize
I feel shame for not following others. I tell what I think you want to hear. I would rather escape & run instead of face the fear head on. Thoughts are not action. I can not change the world without action. Thoughts & ideas are a dime a dozen. As I sat in the feelings that it generated within me, this story came to me.
I have a story to tell that has been incubating for years
It began at my birth
It has guided my every thought and action
It is in my every step
Since my birth it was shamed away
I pushed it down until it went silent
It was still in my every step but I gave it names
Those names grew into the core of my identity
American, Black, Nigerian, Yoruba, Engineer, Cook, Calm, A chilled guy
Those are all curated deceptions
I exist beyond that
Even peter pan will grow old without growing up
I took 6 months off life as I knew it
I woke up without alarms and went to bed with silence
I made friends with my shadow
I softly comforted my pain as It dug into my psyche
I made friends with my pain
The more I listened the more it spoke volumes
It reminded me of the body I had neglected
It showed me the people I have ignored
It reminded me about the life I gave up on
It showed me all the projects I had failed at
It reminded me that my life has just begun
It showed me that it can be worth living
I took 6 months off to understand myself
Why do I say yes when I really mean no?
Why do I try to please people I do not know?
Why do I push away when I should be pulling close?
Why do I try to control the uncontrollable?
Why can’t I tryst myself?
Why do I lie to myself?
Why do I deceive myself?
I spent a lot of time in silence
I realized I needed to disconnect because the internet hijacked my thoughts
I put away the ipod, deleted apps and dropped my phone
I got a clock that ticks to tell the time
3 days a week I did yoga
To be hair I took a vacation
In the midst of the silence I heard my own voice
In the midst of the silence I heard my own thoughts
In the midst of the silence I heard my own body
I felt the weight of regret and wasted opportunities
I saw my future bright and clear
I was afraid, alone & still indecisive but most of all resentful
Resentful because I did not try
Resentful because I gave up when it was too real
Resentful for allowing my shortcomings to drive
Its easy to hide and lie around others
Its hard to sit in the regret it causes
A week ago I had a dream
It felt more like a nightmare
It told me I had a story to tell
I hate talking about myself but I don’t have a choice
I called it through the silence
I made space for my inner wisdom to take over
I pulled it out so it won’t be silent
I kindled the whisper
Gestation is over son
Its time to push
This life waits for no one.
Feel free to leave a comment if you resonate with any part of this and let’s talk about it.
Thanks for reading and until next time,
Continue being awesome