Quick warning! This post contains stories that have elements of sexual abuse, sexual assault and things that could be perceived as rape. Proceed with caution.
In this episode I address sexual education. As I have started to get older, I am starting to realize the pros and cons of learning about sex the way I did. It is also unfortunate that my form of attraction is illegal in most of the countries I have lived in. That has greatly impacted how I interact with the world and myself. My sexuality was repressed heavily and I carried a lot of shame around till about 2 years ago because of it. I learned through an unnecessary amount of trial and error while hiding in shame. I did not have the privilege at the time to talk about my experiences or even know that what I was experiencing was abuse. I even struggle to use the word abuse because I was a willing participant. I did not know at the time that I had power over my body. I did not know I could speak up when I was uncomfortable.
I do not know what can be done specifically but I believe things have to change. It is not okay to normalize traumatic sex or porn sex under the guise of “but you enjoyed it” or “just relax” or “you should be happy you got action” or “why did you let it happen to you”? We are mammals after all and recreational sex is part of being human. Reproduction is the only reason our species have survived this long. Why is it then that conversations about sex and everything it entails makes us uncomfortable. Why are we afraid of embracing the sexual nature of our bodies and having conversations about it?
Play with care (5:08 – 8:05)
La pija no es un juguete!
The penis is not a toy
The flap of skin between my legs and the hormones they control make life
For many years before I knew the power of my pija, I wasted this life
For many years I equated lust with love
For any years I just gave it away
At that time I was broken. Well… more broken?
I could not tell between lust and love
I had no words and hence I did not ask
Love was not modeled for me
Consent was not modeled for me
I did not know what it should feel like or look like
Many hands have grazed this skin and many lives have been wasted
I did not know of men and their deceitful ways
I thought all men were honest the way I was
Now I know better and I do better. Thanks Maya!
There are good men in this world but you have to look
The motion of a right swipe is empty
The scroll through headless torsos is curated
It is tempting pero cuidate (but be careful)
There are many men that will lie and deceive to finish wish you once
There are few that will be honest to keep you close
Whether they finish or not is irrelevant
Finishing only matters if they can continue to do it with you
The other day I asked myself a honest question
Why do i struggle to catch a fish when I live in an ocean?
The answer is simple
I never tried!
I have been learning a brutal lesson one failed catch at a time
It’s impossible to catch something when you do not know what you want
As I have cleared my mind and made my intentions known, good men have started to swim around me
There words are honest and they do not play games
They model the love i did not know I needed
They touch carefully because they understand the power of the pija
La pija no es un juguete
Its very difficult to open up after years of games
My heart is in a cage and the keys are lost.
I have slowly tried to pick this lock but I can’t do it alone
I try and try and continue to fail
He looked me dead in the eyes
He said “stop trying and look around”
In that moment I realized that lock was never locked
The bars were made of ice
His hug would have melted them
When you get stuck in a pattern its hard to see reality
Its hard to accept reality
Its hard to let people in
Day by day one failed catch at a time
I am learning what love feels like
I am learning that it does not have to hurt
I am learning to accept love
Now I know better and I do better
La pija no es un juguete
So be careful when you play with it
Empty flaccid love
Introduction (18:58 – 21:45)
At the time of conceiving this project, I was not aware how how therapeutic it would be. I had to dive into the recesses of my memory to retrieve painful and easily traumatic sexual experiences in order to find why I not only feared intimacy but also to understand my troubles with dating and men in general. Why am I detached from the world? What happened? Without missing a heartbeat, I was filled with shame with each paragraph that I wrote because seeing my past laid out memory by memory put things into perspective. In a funny way I was moving in the dark for years and for the first time I picked up a flashlight. Suddenly all of the good decisions I thought I was making began to fill me with anger. How could I have let myself be used in such a way? As you read through, I am sure that many of you may get uncomfortable or even start to think about words like rape, sexual abuse / assault and consent but do keep in mind that at the time I was unaware of this.
Now that I think back, it surprises me that I never felt comfortable enough or should I say ready to address this part of my life. I was not running away from it but for the first time (at the age of 25) I considered being in a relationship. I was willing to give a long term relationship a chance. Though this may seem benign, 25 years of inexperience dating is a long time. I also realize now that I struggle heavily with social interactions and reading social cues and as a result this process has been extremely hard. As I have also now been learning about attachment styles, I see how my insecurities around attachment made me ripe and ready to let myself be voluntarily sexually violated from the age of 16 to 24. I have a high body count and I do not say that with pride. I bring it up to illustrate that I did not come to any of these conclusions after a few awkward attempts at being close to people. I tried and failed well into a 3 digit number because at the time I did not know that love and sex were not the same thing. I was of the operating under the delusion that “You would only have sex with me if you loved me”.
How I found sex – Losing my virginity (22:07 – 30:46)
I say that I found sex because the first time I had it, I went looking for it. I did not even know what I was looking for. At this point I was away from home and for the first time I had the opportunity to explore. One thing I will say is that I now understand that sex can be dangerous if it is embarked on without any knowledge. This is especially true if the person having sex is from a background where speaking up for one’s self has been met with abuse continually. If you are self aware, you will learn that men will do almost anything to have an orgasm. Not only that, but you will put yourself in risky and extremely dangerous situations voluntarily in order to please a person who is only interest in you is playing out a fantasy that they are expecting you to comply with by force. After all, you have consented because not consenting means that you are a bad or selfish person. Now that I look back at some of these events I struggle to label them as sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape though those are the only labels that fit. How do I reconcile the fact that I let myself be continually violated and sometimes I even sought out this abuse because I did not know what I was doing at the time. In my mind I was making attempts to form relationships with people who were looking to dump the gift of life into the next easy and available hole.
Just as a quick side note, these stories are 100% real and I selected these from the many I can remember to illustrate how much abuse the human body and mind can handle while putting on a mask that reads “I am fine” to the world. Through all of this my closest friends did not know that I was even having sex or meeting with guys at all. As a matter of fact, this is the first time I am detailing any these stories. At the time in which they happened, I concluded that they would die with me. After all is it really that important that around 90% of my sexual encounters that are now in the three digit range were abusive? It is no wonder that I would later go through on and off bouts of depression and years of sleep problems. How can you sleep when you view most men through the eyes of abuse?
I remember the first time I had sex in detail because at the time everything that happened felt strange to me. Apart from not really knowing what I was supposed to be doing I was also in a situation where I had to sneak around because it was in a country where it was illegal. I met the guy on a website and we chatted for a few days. Eventually we decided to meet up and he said we would hook up at his friends place because they were out of town for about a month. I took a cab to the fast food joint where we said we would meet up and waited for a while. A few minutes later a car pulled up and he honked his horn. I knew it was him and I got into his car and we drove off. He told me that the apartment was about 2 minutes away and that put me at ease. I knew the area and if it was necessary I could leave at any time. I also felt extra comfortable because he mentioned that he already bought condoms. Keep in mind that I was 16 and he was around 32. Now that I think back he was probably in his early 40s. We get to the apartment and this is where it became interesting.
He mentioned that he wanted to have a shower and he showed me around the place briefly. I still remember the religious paraphernalia around the apartment. There were religious books and quotes from religious books throughout this place. He then led me to the room where we were we were going to hook up and he mentioned needing to take a shower. He also suggested that I take one and I obliged. I took a shower first and after when I went into the room I realized that It was a room for children. There were 2 small beds and the room was decorated with cartoons and various toys similar to those I had played with as a kid. There were also toys hanging from the ceiling. I remember thinking “where is this family and do they know that someone they trusted with their keys is having sex in their child’s bed”. That thought quickly vanished from my mind when he came into the room after finishing his shower. We were both versatile and now that I think back, he was the only person I was able to have sex with in this way since. We took showers again after and he dropped me off. We met up 2 or 3 more times after and after the last meeting he told me he could no longer meet me. He made up some excuse about how he needed to change his ways and I had no problem with this.
During our last meeting, I realized that each time we went into the apartment things were in a different arrangement and that he had a ring on his finger that disappeared. I have no conclusive evidence but now that I think back, I think that this was a regular practice for him or that we were having sex in his own home when his family was away during the night for some reason. He was much too comfortable an aware of where things were in the apartment suggesting to me that he knew that space well. Little did I know at the time but I would not be able to top again until many years later (and I am still working through it). I incurred a sexual trauma that was not evident at the time. I was having sex because I thought it was step 1 in getting a long term relationship. At no point did I have a conversation with this man about anything that was important to me. He wanted to have sex and hence I wanted to have sex how he wanted. Keeping in mind that I was being a chameleon in order to not cause any childhood abuse to repeat itself, I stayed silent and called what was happening to me pleasurable. I felt extremely uncomfortable as I was twisting and turning my body in ways that were not okay. If it was really pleasurable and I was enjoying it as much as I claimed, the last paragraph would not be the first time I truly detailed the events that transpired those nights. Can an event be called sexual abuse if you not only took it but repeatedly sought this experience out? It is very easy to say depending on who you are that the adult should have known better, but how would the abuser know if the person being abused is being silent? Especially in a society where sex is taboo to the point where anal sex with your wife is demonized?
This is the beginning of a much longer story but this is enough for this week. I want this to be the start of a conversation. I decided to tell this story after years of keeping it secret because I am no longer ashamed of my past. What happened was valid and necessary to bring me to where I am now. I do not think it is right to incur sexual trauma and develop unhealthy sexual habits because of the taboo nature of sex and sexuality. We all have genitals that we touch at least one time each day voluntarily or involuntarily. Why then do we know little about how to use it properly?
if any part of this resonated with you, let me know by leaving a comment or sending me a direct message. It really helps me to know if this post is making an impact on you
Thank you for reading, listening or watching and until next time,
Continue being awesome,